i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
