Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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