Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
