Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
