I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
