I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
