i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
