It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Randomize
