My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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