Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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