You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
