Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
