3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
