wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
