I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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