Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
