Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
