shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
even my farts smell like vagina
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
