I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
