all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
