dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
