I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Randomize
