We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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