Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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