is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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