I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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