I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
