Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just gargled with NyQuil
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
