Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
