I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
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