Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
