Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
