Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
