Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
