Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Randomize
