I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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