Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
