this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
