Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
