I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
