Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Randomize
