I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
