Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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