if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
