someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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