our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
