My boss' voice literally gives me gas
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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