I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
