There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
