So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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