i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
