this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Randomize
